i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
