super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
farters have to be the big spoon...
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
