Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
