Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
