Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
