Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
