I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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