good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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