Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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