He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
