That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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