i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize