I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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