so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
