actually, I'm a sock model
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
