OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
