I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
