Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
