Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
