it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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