one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
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See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
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Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts