The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror