No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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