im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.