she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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