I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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