i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I came so hard my ears popped.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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