she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
