U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
