FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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