well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
