guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
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I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
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I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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