Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
