Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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