how do flat chested girls get laid?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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