There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
