help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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