If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
