So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
