is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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