Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The police scanner is talking about you again....
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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