GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
