a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
