We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
