there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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