Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
