how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
