Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
