I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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