I'm eating all of the evidence.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
