Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
