So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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