I could have mohawked her pubes.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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