the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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