Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
I'm really busy with my period
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