He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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